As an adult, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I always knew it was an issue. So did my friends. As a matter of fact, we frequently joked about my inability to function as a human being. I struggled as a mom, and things became progressively more difficult after I had children. I had my son in November of 2009 and I had a daughter in October of 2012. I was diagnosed after I had my daughter. I was devastated that I had to stop breastfeeding her at 4 months, so I could try meds, but I was desperate for some sense of normalcy. I wanted to actually get things done. I wanted to remember who Jessie was without being overwhelmed in the world of adulthood. I wanted to feel complete, and I didn't. I felt scrambled. My mind was all over the place all the time, and if I could just take away a few of those random senseless thoughts, even for a little while, for some mental peace, I was going to do it. I was given several different medications (through periods of time) and while it seemed to help, I felt even less connected with the world. I had energy. I lost weight. I got stuff done....but emotionally? I wasn't even there. I felt detached from my children. After going through a difficult repeat c-section with my daughter, and having post partum depression, I was already having a hard time feeling connected to her. I loved her. I knew I loved her. But I wasn't IN LOVE with my own daughter... I felt it was my moral obligation to love her, and to care for her. And I did... but there was something missing... and the ADHD meds made it worse.
I then realized that ADHD makes me who I am. It makes me funny, spontaneous, interesting, random, and it makes me the same person that my husband fell in love with in 2006. It makes me the same person who had two children and turned them into wonderful human beings... sure it makes things difficult, but it had become apparent that difficult was just going to be a big part of my life. It seemed that if I wanted to gain something, I would have to sacrifice something else. A part of me had to go. And I wasn't comfortable with that. I stopped taking meds. I started going to the gym and working out.. I started eating a little bit healthier, but I didn't want to step too far out of my comfort zone just yet. A little at a time. On my daughter's first birthday, watching her questionably touch her cake and daintily suck on her fingers, I fell in love. I loved her. I felt that feeling I had been searching for for so long. I felt complete. Even though my mind was still in 100 places at once and I really didn't get much done aside from taking care of the kids, I decided that that's just how it's going to be... it's going to be hard. It's going to be frustrating. But I'll figure it out. Somehow some way I'll get through it like I have my whole life.
And now I'm going to get to the point I was going for in this blog post.
Spoons.
Many of you have probably read the article about spoons, and if not, here's the article link:
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
It's described as the Spoon Theory, and in reference to someone who has Lupus. Lupus is a physically painful disease that causes all kinds of symptoms, and is typically treated with pain medications and other forms of therapy to help cope with the pain. I don't know a whole lot about Lupus but I do know a lot about "invisible diseases". You don't look sick. You seem normal to me. You're fine! ADHD and many other physical and mental difficulties make it hard for people to focus in real life. As children they struggle to fit in and as adults we struggle to know who we are, and what our part is. Lupus, fibromyalgia, arthritis, ADHD, ADD, Autism, sensory processing disorder.... and more. Many people who have these challenges appear like normal people. They work normal jobs. They raise normal kids. They wear normal clothes. You can't tell most of the time. They just appear normal. But indeed they are not quite the same....
If you have now done your homework and read the article on the Spoon Theory, you will understand that each person has a limited amount of spoons during a day. The average healthy person may have 100 spoons. And for every difficult situation, you may run out of spoons. I'm going to describe this in the best way I can as a mom with ADHD. I have two kids, 2 and 4 years old, and am due to have another little bundle of joy on October 1st or thereabouts.
With ADHD, every social situation is a spoon. Every birthday party, play date, ballet class or taekwondo class. Every time I drop my preschooler off at school and make eye contact with another adult human. Every time I socialize with the cashier. Every time I do business with my direct sales business. And don't even leave this to public situations... its emotional situations, and even social media. I can only handle so much. I love being emotionally supportive, but sometimes I just can't be. I'm out of spoons for the week. Posting actively on social media whether it's about my Scentsy business or about my day to day life. It's SO hard. Sometimes I just want to be a hermit for a week or two (and sometimes I am) just so I can regain myself.
As you can understand, there is a lot on my mind. I'm struggling with my own life emotionally, along with struggling about paranoid thoughts, fears, OCDs, and random memories, I still find time for my friends. But it's hard. When I'm talking to you, I'm not JUST talking to you. I'm handing spoon after spoon over to the Spoon God just so I can try and stay in a conversation without changing. Just so I can make eye contact. Just so I don't emotionally break down and tell you to shut up because my brain is already full of words.
Sometimes, I just run out of spoons. Sometimes I can't be there. Sometimes I am forced to distance myself so I don't say anything hurtful or rude because I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm in constant fear of judgement but I really try to look past all of that so I can be a better person.
By now, some of this probably doesn't make sense. I'm having a really hard time writing this, and my mental capacity for now is dwindling down. I also keep thinking about the laundry I need to do and the grapes that I don't have that I'm craving immensely.
This is all for now. I will try to explain more and open up more, but not just about this.
I plan to write about EVERYTHING. Birth, breastfeeding, ADHD, having a nutso 4 year old and a very vocal 2 year old, being a stay at home mom, and more!
